Him

I barely ever hang out with him anymore. I think about him a lot, like, obsessively. You don't even know. I make up songs for him in my head. I make doodles of his name. I'm really possessive of him, and really defensive. No one can say anything bad about him, and even if you say you know him, I might not believe that you really know him like I do. It's bad. For all of that, I never seem to have the time to actually call him up. Sometimes I do, but then I hang up. I try to find an hour I can snatch away just to go for a walk, but I have a hard time telling him how I'm feeling. I miss him.

No, I don't have a secret love affair. I'm talking about my boyfriend. You know. Jesus. Yeah.

I used to feel so close to him. But you know what I did? I started doubting him. That he really did love everybody. That he really did save us from sin. Because, if he loved us all, why don't his people love the same? Because, if he really did save us from sin, why do we keep sinning? Why did all these people tote my Jesus around and say they were doing his will and get me so confused? Why did he let them?

I'm impatient. So impatient. I want the happy ending right now, like NOW, everybody living in peace and harmony. All love, no more hate. I'm acting too much like a high school girl with a crush. But it's no good, it needs to end. No more looking at him from across the room. No more looking away when he looks back. He's already showed me how much he loves me. I just gotta trust him enough to let him love me, and to love him right back. I just gotta trust that it's not just a feeling, but it's something real. I just gotta trust he's going to work things out, in his way, even if the happy ending isn't what I wanted or expected.

But, honestly, I'm really, really not good at trusting. Surprising, but in some ways I'm still just testing the waters. And as much as I just want to dive in and trust...that's scary. So...if anyone ever wants to like have an intervention about me and him, let me know. I'm all for them.

I'll still think about him obsessively. I'll bring him up in every conversation. I'll have way too many DTRs. I'll dream of his arms around me. I'll think of twenty different dreams of our future life together. I'll defend his name against slanderers. I'll honor him, I'll even submit to him. And I'll definitely quote him like he's God himself ;)

But I really need to be done with this uncertain flirting phase.
But I really am having a hard time knowing how to just dive in.
So...really: intervention? Swim lesson?